Spiral

Something was triggered today.

It started a spiral.

I want to say despair but the Emo Kids have ruined that word.

It is a feeling of insignificance. A crushing and sinking feeling. Like being smothered by reality.

I don't really know what triggered it. Or what made the dam break. But the flood is here and even though I know it will pass it makes me reflect.

I guess I could blame the Sun whose light I miss, and I should blame my sleeping schedule that makes me waste the day.

Winter blues, that what a friend calls it.

It hits her hard, every year, she gets sad and depressed and as much as I want to cheer her up, I find myself pulled down by my own need to bask in the sun.

Maybe I should tan. Bake in an oven. Maybe I should reinvigorate and focus and turn things around. It is after all a matter of willpower and perseverance to turn a crushing weight aside.

The future

Lately I have become very pessimistic about the future.

Not my future exactly, I have managed to maintain my optimism regarding what my life will hold.

But on the future in general.

I see rocks turning into dust.

I see collapse, and famine, and war, and selfishness, and ignorance.

I see it all ending.

And it hurts me. It makes me fear leaving a legacy.

Why make something to last, if it won't.

Why make something...

I don't think that this fear is rational, or productive.

But it is there. And I have to face it one day, stare it down and find a way to make a future possible.

That is my biggest dream to be involved with what one day will be considered the thing that changed everything.

For the best.

Or at least the less bad.

That would be a nice legacy.

To be an Oppenheimer.

He changed it all, or at least had a hand in it. And as much as people look down on what he created, there were so many benefits. Intangible, transparent and hidden benefits but they are there.

Reading

I read for fun.

Which means that what I read must entertain me.

I read a tremendous volume of material in any given day.

I'm certain that if I did not have the Internet I'd go through a novel in an afternoon.

I don't6 know why I read so much. Must of what I read can be safely termed as useless.

Some of it is downright scaring. Sometimes there are things that you don't need to know.

Somethings are like two girls and a cup. But in sentence form.

The most disturbing things that I've read are that way because I believe that they are true.

If I thought that they were fake I would dismiss them.

The next time I'm given a link to a chapter of a book that was cut because it was too much to put into a book on murders and rapists I'll stay away. Some times ignorance is bliss.

Many times ignorance is bliss.

But I still read can still consume the Harry Potter series in a week without it crippling my productivity.

But now I have information that I don't want to face burned in behind my eyes.

It is no wonder why I drink.